It's that old 'friend' you've lived down the street from your entire life. The one you can't stand but time and time again you bump into. The one you must acknowledge because you don't have a choice.
It's the lump in your throat like you're about to cry. It's the frustration you feel when you can't. It's all about the build up, and the denial of release.
It's a war of self. One part of you recognizes and ridicules your absurd, childish mental processes. And the other part of you can't escape from the absurd, childish mental processes.
Both parts are thankful there are only two parts of you at war.
I tend to attempt to overcome my anxiety by controlling my environment. It's my primary coping mechanism, and if I had to give it a grade I'd give it a C-. I make lists, add to my lists, cross off my lists, rewrite my lists. I plan my days in advance. I leave holes in my agenda for the unexpected happy hour or gathering of friends. I plan my breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I become upset when I deviate. Maybe not on the outside for you to see- but on the inside it drives me mad, like a prison only I can feel.
Although my mind can be a torturous place, I am thankful for the half of me that can objectively see a situation when the other half of me wallows in subjective self-pity. Even though I can't always listen to the objective side of me, I am glad it exists - it gives me hope. At least I am aware I'm half batty instead of being unaware that I'm wholly batty. But when the adrenaline stops pumping so quickly, and my breathing resumes to normal, I can often listen to this objective side. But sometimes I need assistance.
Last night and this morning featured my latest episode of a mental meltdown. The cause was fourfold.
-An important appointment in the middle of my day - one that I do not have any control in the outcome.
-A short-notice assignment/deadline - I cannot control if my sources call or contact me so I can get the story. (Spoiler alert: I didn't.)
-The awful, awful weather - walking over a mile in 8 inches of snow is just not ideal, and I cannot control the weather.
-Weekend weight gain - I have trouble controlling myself in regard to food.
But here's the thing- the thing that I can't realize when I'm experiencing anxiety, but I readily realize once it passes, and it makes me feel even worse for feeling my anxiety in the first place:
Anxiety stems from selfishness.
I am upset because I have to walk in the snow on the day I have a big important appointment and I have a looming deadline. I am upset because I gained weight. I am upset because blah, blah, blah. What I'm actually doing is making mountains out of molehills.
The fact of the matter is that lots of people would kill to have only the problems I have. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I have been fed. I have a family and friends who love me. I am not in debt. Anxiety to the point I allow it can only happen if I'm not thinking about anyone but myself. And that is a real shame.
Additionally, I believe that anxiety rears its ugly head primarily when you're not relying enough on God. Today, as my boyfriend and I walked through the 8 inches of snow in a blizzard down a steep hill, one of his former professors stopped, let us in her car, and drove us downtown. I had to try hard to keep myself from crying because I was so happy.
But I also felt ashamed, because in my head I recalled a piece of scripture - Matthew 6:25-34:
Do Not Worry
"25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Getting that surprise ride downtown was almost like God saying, "See, I promised I would take care of you. Why have you no faith?" And if there's anybody you don't want to let down, it's God.
But at the end of the day, I still consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. But even the luckiest of people are still a work in progress. I'm on a journey to get rid of the chains anxiety puts on my mind. It isn't going to be easy, or quick, or fun. But the next time I feel the way I felt - heart pounding, appendages tense, holding my breath, mind frozen, yet racing- I hope to be mindful of others and say a prayer to let go and let God.
Thank you "lucky girl."
ReplyDeleteAnd the student becomes the teacher.
Really enjoyed reading this post.