Mountains, Molehills and Meltdowns

Anxiety.

It's that old 'friend' you've lived down the street from your entire life. The one you can't stand but time and time again you bump into. The one you must acknowledge because you don't have a choice.

It's the lump in your throat like you're about to cry. It's the frustration you feel when you can't. It's all about the build up, and the denial of release.

It's a war of self. One part of you recognizes and ridicules your absurd, childish mental processes. And the other part of you can't escape from the absurd, childish mental processes.

Both parts are thankful there are only two parts of you at war.

I tend to attempt to overcome my anxiety by controlling my environment. It's my primary coping mechanism, and if I had to give it a grade I'd give it a C-. I make lists, add to my lists, cross off my lists, rewrite my lists. I plan my days in advance. I leave holes in my agenda for the unexpected happy hour or gathering of friends. I plan my breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. I become upset when I deviate. Maybe not on the outside for you to see- but on the inside it drives me mad, like a prison only I can feel.

Although my mind can be a torturous place, I am thankful for the half of me that can objectively see a situation when the other half of me wallows in subjective self-pity. Even though I can't always listen to the objective side of me, I am glad it exists - it gives me hope. At least I am aware I'm half batty instead of being unaware that I'm wholly batty. But when the adrenaline stops pumping so quickly, and my breathing resumes to normal, I can often listen to this objective side. But sometimes I need assistance.

Last night and this morning featured my latest episode of a mental meltdown. The cause was fourfold.

-An important appointment in the middle of my day - one that I do not have any control in the outcome.
-A short-notice assignment/deadline - I cannot control if my sources call or contact me so I can get the story. (Spoiler alert: I didn't.)
-The awful, awful weather -  walking over a mile in 8 inches of snow is just not ideal, and I cannot control the weather.
-Weekend weight gain - I have trouble controlling myself in regard to food.


But here's the thing- the thing that I can't realize when I'm experiencing anxiety, but I readily realize once it passes, and it makes me feel even worse for feeling my anxiety in the first place:


Anxiety stems from selfishness.

 I am upset because I have to walk in the snow on the day I have a big important appointment and I have a looming deadline. I am upset because I gained weight. I am upset because blah, blah, blah. What I'm actually doing is making mountains out of molehills.

The fact of the matter is that lots of people would kill to have only the problems I have. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I have been fed. I have a family and friends who love me. I am not in debt. Anxiety to the point I allow it can only happen if I'm not thinking about anyone but myself. And that is a real shame.

Additionally, I believe that anxiety rears its ugly head primarily when you're not relying enough on God. Today, as my boyfriend and I walked through the 8 inches of snow in a blizzard down a steep hill, one of his former professors stopped, let us in her car, and drove us downtown. I had to try hard to keep myself from crying because I was so happy.

But I also felt ashamed, because in my head I recalled a piece of scripture - Matthew 6:25-34:

Do Not Worry

^"25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Getting that surprise ride downtown was almost like God saying, "See, I promised I would take care of you. Why have you no faith?" And if there's anybody you don't want to let down, it's God.

But at the end of the day, I still consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. But even the luckiest of people are still a work in progress. I'm on a journey to get rid of the chains anxiety puts on my mind. It isn't going to be easy, or quick, or fun. But the next time I feel the way I felt - heart pounding, appendages tense, holding my breath, mind frozen, yet racing- I hope to be mindful of others and say a prayer to let go and let God.

Be Good to Your Body Today

The holidays have faded, and work is back to usual. Today, the calendar says that half of January has already passed. That means that just over 4% of 2014 is already nothing but a memory.

I've spent two of these precious days with terrible hangovers. Non-work-interfering hangovers, mind you, but still unacceptable. Curbing my drinking wasn't originally a 2014 resolution, but I think it's time to wave the white flag of surrender to the fact that yes, I am growing older, and yes, my body cannot bounce back like it did during the days of collegiate lacrosse parties and 21st birthday bashes. This may be the first time my body has surpassed my mind in the "grown up" department, which is mildly terrifying.

But the clock cannot reverse. My dark hair will fade to grey. My laugh lines will become crow's feet. Skin will sag. Womp. But surrendering to the steady march of physical aging doesn't mean we are defeated. By living in the moment and being good to ourselves, we can maintain positive outlooks and healthy lives.

Even though I've been at it for nearly two years, I still say that I am "adjusting" to working life. Maybe you never quit adjusting. In today's job market, you never want to seem ungrateful for full-time employment, the 9 to 5 grind. However, it takes its toll. The monotony, the sedentary nature of a desk job, it can be as painful to the mind as it is easy on the body. The paycheck is worth it, everyone searching for a job says, and for the most part I agree- so long as your mental and emotional well-being remain in tact.

As a person prone to anxiety and depression, I had a deep struggle with this a little over a year ago. Sometimes, I still have mini struggles now and then. But what lifted me up and continues to keep me afloat are actions that help me live in the moment (which does a great deal for your sense of appreciation and gratitude) and being good to myself.

In order to live in the moment, I try to do something very intentionally - like doing a normal or overlooked task very deliberately or deciding to put others first. For example, sometimes my cat wants attention but I'm busy with homework, cleaning, or trying to get dinner ready. So sometimes I will set everything aside to give her love and attention until SHE is done- not when I WANT to be done. In the search to fulfill all my wants and needs, sometimes I forget how wonderful it is to fulfill the needs of others.

Another example is daily prayer. Although for most of the days of my life I have given God a shoutout or quick prayer,  I have found that I enjoy reciting one particular prayer. I wrote it myself - it is not very long and it addresses exactly what I want to address with God in my life. It allows me the chance to deliberately recognize all the things that are most important to me, that I need prayer for every day. By writing it down and reading it and meditating on it (which I do almost daily) it helps me focus and realize the gratitude I ought to constantly feel.

While I do so-so at living in the moment, I have made much stronger efforts in the department of "being good to myself." But I'm still so far from where I want to be (see hangover reference above). In the past year, I've reintroduced myself to vigorous exercise, healthy food substitutions, and have given up some habits that once held me back. In the new year, I hope to increase my water intake, and cut back on alcohol and eating out.

My newest effort has been quite, quite simple, but very effective (so far, anyway.) I changed the lock screen on my iPhone to a photo of a message that I wrote myself.

Every time I reach for my phone - for every Tweet, Facebook check, SnapChat, email, phone call - I see this message. It helps remind me that each and every day is part of the journey. Don't think about it as having to eat healthy and exercise every day for the rest of eternity. That is daunting and more pressure than you need. But you can handle today. Just do it for today. And tomorrow, try to "just do it for today," too. My hope is that repeatedly seeing this message helps me live the way I have said I desire to live: to live in the here and now, and to be good to myself. 

14 Goals for 2014

About a week ago I explained why goals > resolutions. I have spent the last three weeks mulling over, editing and refining my 2014 resolutions goals. Now it's time to add another layer that helps folks come closer to achieving their goals: 

Accountability.

Accountability is an important factor. In fact, I argue that it's a non-negotiable. First and foremost, you have to be accountable to yourself. That's why establishing goals and mapping the route to their achievement is crucial. When your goals are fuzzy and unclear, it's hard to hold yourself accountable. It makes it easier to lie to yourself, or to hide your shortcomings from others. 

"Oh, I can take this week off from the gym." 

"This one purchase won't hurt my bank account."

"One little cigarette isn't a big deal."

These statements may or may not be true for you... but you know in your heart of hearts if you're lying to yourself. Establishing a strong sense of self-accountability is important to keep yourself from lying to yourself and marching on toward your goals.

But willpower wanes. When it does, the support of a positive friend or family member can help get you back on track. Because sometimes we cannot do it alone. We need encouragement. Ultimately, no one else can make your decisions for you, but they can help point you in the right direction when you're headed in the wrong one. 

To me, accountability is a way of looking at your goals that stresses the fact that what's good for you is ultimately good for those around you, too. In other words, striving to become a better person every day isn't only good for me- it's good for my family, my boyfriend and my friends who spend time around me. Knowing that the positive changes are both for yourself and your loved ones may help you keep on keepin' on toward that goal.

In blogging, I am welcoming the whole Internet to keep me accountable. Not that I think anybody even reads this. (If you are, much love.) But writing in a public sphere helps motivate me. After all, I don't want to be writing future blog posts about my failures- although I'm sure there will be a few along the way. Instead, I want to have a positive story to tell. 

So, all that being said, here are my 14 goals for 2014:

Goal 1: Grow closer to God.

-Pray daily

-Read a Bible passage daily

-Attend church 2x/month

This one is important to me. That's why it's #1 on the list. I think that daily prayer is crucial to forming a relationship with God. I think reading even a small piece of scripture each day is a great way to learn and/or put your life into perspective. And I don't think you get any brownie points with God from going to church... But I just so happen to really like church. Also, have you ever risen from bed one morning and stress is sitting heavy on your chest like you can't breathe? I believe that feeling comes about when you're not trusting God enough. I hope to not feel that way in 2014. As the saying goes: "Let go and let God." 

Goal 2: Write - for myself. 

-Start a blog

-create content calendar

-post 1x/week every week.

Well lookee here, I've already worked on this one. This was important to me because I love to write, and the only way to get any better at it is to do it. Plus, publishing my thoughts via a blog gives me a tangible "product" that simply thinking these thoughts in my head does not provide me.

Goal 3: Lose ~10 pounds

-Limit eating out

-Increase consumption of water/tea
-Continue gym 3 or 4x per week

-Fill up Evive bottle every day at work when I get hungry

-Try to do at least a little exercise at home on non-gym days (at least 20 minutes)

-Take walks on my lunch break when the weather is nice (1x per week)

Last year I lost ~20 lbs. (20 on a good day, 18 on a normal day, and 15 on a bad day.) I have felt much better, looked better, fit in clothes better, and overall have been happier with my body image.

But I fell short of my goal weight by 5-10 lbs. (depending on the day.) There are definitely some things I have incorporated that have helped me lose weight - hitting up the gym 3-4x per week, changing my diet, and eating out less.

I must be honest with myself though. These last few pounds won't come off for at least a few reasons:

-Eating out. Although I have decreased the amount of eating out I've done in 2013, it still has a ways to go. Some weeks when I look at my bank statement I realized I've eaten out 4 or 5 times. 

-Not drinking enough water. They say (I don't know exactly who "they" are) sometimes your body feels hungry but it's really just thirsty (I kind of think that's bullshit because I'm constantly hungry). My goal is to drink a full glass of water each time I feel hungry at work and see if it helps.
-Work lunches/snacks. Many days, someone brings a delicious treat to the office. But when you work in a building with 100+ other people, these days can really pile up. Also, lunch date invitations add up, too, and before you know it you're eating out for lunch 3 days a week. As far as snacks go, I am going to make an effort to plan ahead for work meals. I hope to pack a nutritious lunch and two healthy snacks each day-  one for the morning around 10 AM and one for the afternoon around 2:30.
-Laziness. When I'm at the gym, I go pretty hard. When I'm not at the gym, it is often hard to motivate myself to do anything physically. This year, my goal is to use part of one lunch break each week to go for a bit of a walk (when the weather is nice) and to incorporate at least 20 minutes of exercise on days when I don't hit the gym and I'm just at home.

My hope is that with these changes, I will drop the last of the weight. Or, at the very least, feel better!

Goal 4: Too personal to share online. (It's work related.)

Goal 5: Get back into reading 

-Read at least 3 books this year.

Reading is good for your mind and soul. I've started on this one already - I'm currently reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. 

The other two books? I'm not dead set on these but some that I have awaiting to read in my collection are:

Pygmy, Chuck Palahniuk
The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom, and
The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins

Feel free to hit me up with suggestions.

Goal 6: Save $2,500 

-Put away roughly $100 per paycheck into savings account

-put at least $150 of tax return into savings

I try to live on about 50% of my take-home pay for two reasons:

1) So I can consistently put money into savings for the future.
2) So I don't feel bad when I want to occasionally splurge on something really nice (like a gym pass or a trip to Jamaica.)

You will not always be able to save money. So do it diligently while you can.

Goal 7: Be less judgmental

-Pray about it

-Be patient

-Remember that I can accept people even if I cannot accept their behavior

-Be kind

-Don't be bitter

Growing up, my grandmother often said: "If they aren't bothering you, leave people be." It's true that lots of people may bother you when they aren't trying to. But I think she meant if they aren't bothering you ON PURPOSE. This is going to be a tough one.

Goal 8: Participate in the Friends of Deckers Creek 1/2 Marathon

-Sign up 

-train

-don't puss out

-Run it in less than 2 hours

I ran the Friends of Deckers Creek 1/2 as one of my goals in 2013. It was my first race, and I finished in 2 hours and 6 minutes. I'd like to do it again and do it in under 2 hours, which is just under a 9 minute mile.

Goal 9: Too personal to share online. (It's relationship-related.)

Goal 10: Pass 5 or 6 classes

-2 Spring 2014

-1 or 2 Summer 2014

-2 Fall 2014

-Decide by April if I will take 1 or 2 summer courses 

I'm trucking along in WVU's Integrated Marketing Communications (IMC) program. I hope that by the time the ball drops at the end of 2014, I have completed 5 or 6 more courses, which will bring me to over halfway done with the program. If I take one class at a time, I will take 5 this year. If I decide to be brave and take two at once during the summer, I will take 6. We'll see.

Goal 11: Plan a trip for 2015 (Mardi Gras? NYE in NYC? Beach? Caribbean?)

-Start deciding by end of April

-Save money

-Buy tickets/ make hotel reservations

-Request time off work

I went to Jamaica in 2013 with my roommate and I'm headed to Seattle with my boyfriend and family this summer (thanks, Mom & Dad!) So I'd like to try to plan something with some friends for 2015.... but saving up money and vacation time just takes, well, time. 

Goal 12: Go to Bonnaroo (if the lineup is good)

-Save up

-Get tickets

-Take time off work

-Organize/coordinate camping gear and transportation

I went to 'Roo '12 and 'Roo '13. Great times were had by all... almost the whole time. It will depend on the lineup, but I'd like to head down to Manchester again for a few days away from real life. My 'Roo '14 picks? I'd love to see Tool, Modest Mouse, Cake, Beck, Muse, NIN, 311... and a bunch of others but those are high up there on my list.

Goal 13: Be in the ocean

Ok... I'm breaking my own rule for this because I don't have a plan. It's honestly just not likely to happen this year. But I want to make it a goal just in case the opportunity arises, because salt water is excellent for your skin and soul.

Goal 14: Actively seek knowledge/inspiration 

-Try to read the online news 3x/week

-Check out Pinterest at least 2x/week

-watch at least 2 documentaries

Your mind gets bored when you don't introduce it to new things. Sure, I obsessively check my Twitter feed. But it's hard to tell what's jibber-jabber and what's substantial on there. I need to make a better effort to actually read the news. I also need to learn new things and see ideas - which Pinterest does perfectly. I hadn't been on Pinterest in over a year, and I just reset my password the other day so I'm good to go. My boyfriend also has a Netflix account and he says there are lots of documentaries on there, so I hope we can watch a few this year.





What are your goals for 2014? Aim high! 

Don't Make Resolutions. Set Goals.

The fresh start of a new calendar year is often accompanied by a renewed sense of dedication.

These dedications may be work or school-related, relationship based or about weight loss. They may be to give up bad habits like smoking, eating fast food or spending too much money. They may be about incorporating a new, positive habit - like volunteering, increased family time or traveling somewhere new. 

Surely you know that our culture refers to these dedications as "resolutions." And surely you know that by mid-January, many resolutions have been pushed to the back burner, and by the time February comes around, they are nothing but a fuzzy memory. In fact, while 45% of people usually set New Years Resolutions, only 8% actually achieve them.

Why do you think this is? After all, people genuinely do want to improve their relationships, lose weight, and forgo bad habits - don't they? I propose that most people fail themselves concerning their New Year's resolutions for two main reasons:

1) The resolution is made on a whim, based on feelings rather than conscious decisions. The "renewed sense" of dedication, as opposed to a determined effort to achieve something, fades as the newness of the year fades and the post-holiday slump sets in. It's easy to be excited about a new lifestyle change when life in general is exciting. But when the excitement of holidays passes, it's much more difficult to maintain zeal and zest for a new habit. 

2) The resolution is stated without contemplating or explaining what steps need to be taken to achieve it. This comes from my background in public relations - it is improper to set a goal without outlining the strategies and tactics that must be carried out to achieve the goal. The same is true for resolutions. Without a set of directions, how can you expect to get there?

For example, the person who resolves: "I want to lose weight" is probably not as likely to meet their goals as the person who says: "I will lose 1 pound per week by adding 2 hours of physical exercise to my current routine, eating out less, and replacing 3 heavier meals per week with salads until I lose 15 pounds."

It is much better to set goals (along with what you will do to achieve them) rather than to resolve to do something. In doing so, you are not making the resolution on a whim, but rather as a conscious effort to achieve real change in your life.

 In 2013, I wrote down my goals and outlined how I would achieve them. Out of the 12 goals I set for myself in 2013, I achieved 10 of them. Even though I didn't meet every single goal, I still significantly improved the quality of my life. After all, isn't that the point?

Get ready.

I'm sticking to it this time. The blogging, I mean.

I have tried two or three times to blog regularly, and have failed miserably. It's not a big deal, because nobody cares - nobody is hanging on to my every word or is likely even interested in what I have to say.

But I care.

I love to think and write and express myself. I write often for my job. I have the privilege of writing about successful business people, stellar students, and activities at West Virginia University. But I never get to write for myself.

And in 2014, that is going to change.

Up until now, the name of this blog as been "Reaching for the Random or Whatever Will Bewilder." These are lyrics to one of my favorite songs - "Lateralus" by Tool. The section of the song it is taken from goes like this:

"With my feet upon the ground I lose myself between the sounds and open wide to suck it in.
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out.
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been."


In the past, this has been most appropriate for me. Young, still in school, unclear of my goals - reaching for the random or whatever will bewilder me seemed like a good idea at the time. I don't know that it took me anywhere no one else has been, but I sure did learn a lot. I found myself in several places I never thought I would be. Unfortunately, many of them were not good places. But sometimes you have to hit rock bottom, because the only place to go from there is up. 

Today I wouldn't say I'm reaching for the random. What I'm reaching for isn't specifically defined. There is certainly still some ambiguity that accompanies your post-graduate mid-twenties, after all. But I know a few things I'm reaching for:

To be a light in the world by being a friend.
To being the best version of myself - mentally, spiritually and physically.
Peace and confidence within myself.
Love.

I also wouldn't say I'm looking for whatever will bewilder me, although I welcome new experiences that may provide bewilderment. Before, I sought out things that confused or bewildered me in an effort to understand them. When I was looking for "whatever," I sure found a lot of diverse people and experiences. And I am thankful for each and every one of them because they have led me down the path that got me to today, and have shaped me into the person I have become and will continue to become.

While I don't mean to insinuate that I'm done learning about different types of people, or about the world, I have become pickier about what I reach for. These days, I reach for positivity. I reach for kindness. I reach for compassion. I reach for authenticity. I reach for open communication.


So, cheers to 2014 and a renewed dedication to writing for myself. After all, I deserve to spend a little of this talent on myself, don't you think?

Where Have I Been?

To say that "it's been a while" would be a gross understatement! After a nearly two year hiatus from blogging, I've decided to post. Part of me wanted to start a new blog so that the embarrassment of such a long absence would not haunt me... After all, as the social media savvy individual I am, I know better than most how bad it looks to be silent for so long. I had considered deleting this blog and creating a new one, but I really have no desire to make a new account, new password, new everything. I have way too many online accounts already- don't we all?

Most everything in my life is going well right now.

I graduated Summa Cum Laude as the Top Scholar in Public Relations from WVU's P.I. Reed School of Journalism last month.

I am in a loving relationship.

My family members are in good health and doing well.

I've been able to do a bit of traveling. I spent a weekend in Manchester, TN, to attend the Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival, where I saw outstanding acts like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Avett Brothers, The Infamous Stringdusters, Phish, Puscifer, The Temper Trap, Skrillex, The Roots, Ben Folds Five, City and Colour, SOJA, Alabama Shakes, Flogging Molly, The Beach Boys, The Shins and even Kenny Rogers. Right now, I'm blogging from Bethany Beach, DE, where I spent my day getting a sunburn and eating crab legs.

I have a temporary position in the Communications & Marketing Department at the WVU College of Business & Economics. This is a good thing, as many recent graduates are unable to find jobs related to their field. I am thoroughly enjoying my work there, but the word "temporary" looms over me like a dark cloud. I am working to secure permanent employment for myself.

I'm at a weird point in my life. It's the first time in my life that my plans haven't been picked out for me. Up until now, it's been "go to grade school, go to high school, go to college." Well, now what? I know the destination is either "get a job" or "grad school" but I don't exactly know the way there. I'm going to keep applying myself, working hard, and giving each and every day my all.

Although I do get that panicky feeling in my stomach at times when contemplating the future, I feel relief upon the realization that in the end, each day must be taken one at a time. And at the end of each day, I have a huge family, sweet boyfriend and tons of friends that love me and are in my corner every step of the way. With that thought in mind, it's hard to feel anything but happy- and incredibly blessed.

Sleepless in Seattle- Literally.

Normally, I like to talk about things in chronological order. I keep a list of everything I've done, and then blog about it, in chunks of weeks at a time. Tonight, that is not an option. All my notes are on some plane right now, heading toward Chicago. I'm not going there. I'm going to Denver. My bags will make it to Pittsburgh eventually I guess. They better. My brand new Magic Bullet is in there. So is all the rest of my personal belongings.

I have had the worst experience with United Airlines. Three weeks ago, I changed my flight from Tuesday the 27th to Friday the 23rd. It took a long time and $150, but I did it.

Then today, I went to do my e-check in, only to find that there was no sort of confirmation on my ticket. So I had another phone call, this one 40 minutes long, to solve the problem. Apparently the gentleman from 3 weeks ago never processed my credit card transaction, or updated the online itinerary.

So I got my two bags checked and my boarding pass printed. The plan is to go from Seattle to Chicago to Pittsburgh.

Then I get to SeaTac, and my flight is delayed an hour and a half. Just enough to miss my connecting flight to Pittsburgh by 15 minutes.

The first guy I talk to, he is really unhelpful. I almost feel like he's laughing at my misfortune. He informs me that I will have a confirmed seat on a flight leaving Chicago at 5 pm tomorrow. This means no getting to Pittsburgh until about 9 pm tomorrow night. This means a 7 hour trip is turning into a 24 hour affair.

I accepted this sad fate and sat down. I talked to a lady with an adorable Yorkie for about two hours. She is a retired school teacher, and specializes in kids with autism. I believe I was supposed to meet her tonight. I also have a passion for dogs and autism awareness. She has a house on the Oregon coast, and she is headed to St. Louis to visit her mother. She lives in Ohio these days. She was nice as could be. So talkative and positive. Glad to have met her.

I decided to give another, nicer seeming man a try. This guy was able to get me to Pittsburgh by 3 pm tomorrow. The only downside is I'm stuck at SeaTac until 530 AM. Then I will head to Denver, and on to Pittsburgh from there.

The second man was very helpful. He even gave me $150 to use toward a future United flight. I am very unsure of whether I will ever fly with them again. I probably won't TRY to, but if it happens to be convenient, I suppose it will come in handy.

I wish this could have gone more smoothly. All I have wanted for weeks and weeks is to be with my family, friends, and my man! I was looking forward to a fun Saturday with a big lunch with my family at my grandma's or something. But I guess we'll have to move it to dinner.